How are you attached?
- Krissi3D
- Jul 9, 2020
- 7 min read
I've been trying to take a closer look inside my head lately. I've been trying to heal.
Everyone has a silent battle that no one else knows about, so remember to be kind.
On my journey I have been facing what once was my greatest fear and learning ways to overcome this fear. One of my biggest fears I've had since I was a teenager is the thought of ending up alone. I was so worried that when I look around no one would be there to catch me when I fall, to love me when I'm lonely, or to share good and bad times with. Now, to say I am completely over this fear would be a bold face lie, but I am learning to love myself when I once looked for someone else to provide that love. I have been looking externally for my own security for so long when I should be looking within.
Along this journey I have found that there are usually 4 different types of attachment styles and your experiences from a young age usually determine which attachment style you fall into.
I thought this was a very interesting study and the more I read about these attachment styles and their tendencies the more I was able to learn about myself.
The first step is self-awareness.
“Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
―C.G. Jung
“To say "I love you" one must know first how to say the "I".”
―Ayn Rand,The Fountainhead
The four attachment styles are:
Secure - autonomous
Avoidant - dismissing
Anxious - preoccupied
Disorganize - unresolved (or also know as Fearful Avoidant)
The attachment styles basically help explain how people respond differently when dealing with emotional intimacy, conflict, communication and understand of needs and emotions, and expectations in a relationship.
A person's attachment style is developed in childhood and is usually what helps them navigate through life and relationships as an adult.
Secure
Low on avoidance, low on anxiety. Comfortable with intimacy; not worried about rejection or preoccupied with the relationship. "It is easy for me to get close to others, and I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me." (Evergreen Psychotherapy Center)
Some Characteristics
Comfortable in a warm, loving and emotionally close relationship.
Depends on partner and allows partner to depend on them; is available for partner in times of need.
Accepts partner’s need for separateness without feeling rejected or threatened; can be close and also independent (“dependent–independent”).
Trusting, empathic, tolerant of differences, and forgiving.
Communicates emotions and needs honestly and openly; attuned to partner’s needs and responds appropriately; does not avoid conflict.
Manages emotions well; not overly upset about relationship issues.
Insight, resolution and forgiveness about past relationship issues and hurts.
Sensitive, warm and caring parent; attuned to child’s cues and needs; children are securely attached.
Childhood Experience
This attachment style is usually developed when a child feels safe in expressing their needs and emotions with their caregiver. They trusted that when a caregiver left they would return as expected. Their caregivers made their relationship a safe place to process their distress until things returned to normal. In general they felt secure. (Brickel and Associates LLC)
Avoidant
High on avoidance, low on anxiety. Uncomfortable with closeness and primarily values independence and freedoms; not worried about partner's availability. "I am uncomfortable being close to others. I find it difficult to trust and depend on others and prefer that others do not depend on me. It is very important that I feel independent and self-sufficient. My partner wants me to be more intimate than I am comfortable being." (Evergreen Psychotherapy Center)
Some Characteristics
Emotionally distant and rejecting in an intimate relationship; keeps partner at arm’s length; partner always wanting more closeness; ” “deactivates” attachment needs, feelings and behaviors.
Equates intimacy with loss of independence; prefers autonomy to togetherness.
Not able to depend on partner or allow partner to “lean on” them; independence is a priority.
Communication is intellectual, not comfortable talking about emotions; avoids conflict, then explodes.
Cool, controlled, stoic; compulsively self-sufficient; narrow emotional range; prefers to be alone.
Good in a crisis; non-emotional, takes charge.
Emotionally unavailable as parent; disengaged and detached; children are likely to have avoidant attachments.
Childhood Experience
This attachment style is usually developed when a caregiver was emotionally unavailable or unaware of their needs. Perhaps crying was discouraged and they felt they had to "grow up" quickly. (Brickel and Associates LLC)
Anxious
Low on avoidance, high on anxiety. Crave closeness and intimacy, very insecure about the relationship. "I want to be extremely emotionally close (merge) with others, but others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn't love or value me and will abandon me. My inordinate need for closeness scares people away." (Evergreen Psychotherapy Center)
Some Characteristics
Insecure in intimate relationships; constantly worried about rejection and abandonment; preoccupied with relationship; “hyperactivates” attachment needs and behavior.
Needy; requires ongoing reassurance; want to “merge” with partner, which scares partner away.
Ruminates about unresolved past issues from family-of-origin, which intrudes into present perceptions and relationships (fear, hurt, anger, rejection).
Overly sensitive to partner’s actions and moods; takes partner’s behavior too personally.
Highly emotional; can be argumentative, combative, angry and controlling; poor personal boundaries.
Communication is not collaborative; unaware of own responsibility in relationship issues; blames others.
Unpredictable and moody; connects through conflict, “stirs the pot.”
Inconsistent attunement with own children, who are likely to be anxiously attached.
Childhood Experience
This attachment style is usually developed when a caregiver at times, responded well to your needs, yet at other times, was not present. Maybe one or both caregivers became stuck in their own anxiety, and may have responded in hurtful or critical ways. You may have grown up feeling insecure, uncertain of what treatment to expect. (Brickel and Associates LLC)
Anxious and Avoidant
High on avoidance, and high on anxiety. Uncomfortable with intimacy, and worried about partner's commitment and love. "I am uncomfortable getting close to others, and find it difficult to trust and depend on them. I worry I will be hurt if I get close to my partner." (Evergreen Psychotherapy Center)
Some Characteristics
Unresolved mindset and emotions; frightened by memories of prior traumas; losses from the past have not been not mourned or resolved.
Cannot tolerate emotional closeness in a relationship; argumentative, rages, unable to regulate emotions; abusive and dysfunctional relationships recreate past patterns.
Intrusive and frightening traumatic memories and triggers; dissociates to avoid pain; severe depression, PTSD.
Antisocial; lack of empathy and remorse; aggressive and punitive; narcissistic, no regard for rules; substance abuse and criminality.
Likely to maltreat own children; scripts children into past unresolved attachments; triggered into anger and fear by parent–child interaction; own children often develop disorganized attachment.
Childhood Experience
This attachment style is usually developed when a caregiver is perhaps frightening, abusive, or behaved toward you in inappropriate ways. You may have felt fearful of them. Yet as a child your instincts led you to believe you should be loyal because they were your parents. You may long for closeness but also fear it. (Brickel and Associates LLC)
Here's a short video with a brief explanation of each attachment style. Enjoy!
The best part of knowing what attachment style(s) I fall into is that I have the power to change!
I fall into the category of an anxious preoccupied attachment style. I find myself falling in love with the idea of love and this idealization places unrealistic expectations on my partner or love interest. When these expectations are not met I become frustrated and doubt the relationship. I am constantly afraid of abandonment or not being good enough. I find myself thinking I feel like I am never the first choice or I would like to be chosen for once. I have a good sense of other peoples emotions and I find that I feel like people detach or draw away from me often and this causes obsessive thinking and depression. I constantly am afraid their change in behavior is because of something I did or didn't do. I find it hard to be vulnerable and share my inner thoughts with people in worry that it will scare them away or they will react in a way I am not ready to handle or accept. I become anxious in situations I have no control over and fear rejection. With this attachment style I outwardly seek others for validation and reassurance. I have also learned that this attachment style can feel that if another person offers their affections freely this can make me feel like it's too easy and I become bored. This attachment style will usually seek other's who they can either save or they save them. They may sometimes feel like if it's not hard to get then it's not real love.
With all of that being said, now that I know what my tendencies are I can work on setting boundaries for myself. I have found that when I start daydreaming about certain people that I have to set a boundary to not get too carried away because this is what can cause unrealistic expectations. I make up who I want them to be in my head and I don't actually get to know them as a person to find out if I actually like them or not. There's nothing wrong with daydreaming but when it causes feelings of being let down in reality that is when it can become toxic. I fall in love with the story in my head rather than what is really happening around me.
I know sharing all of this might make me seem like an over clingy, crazy person but I have come to terms with who I am so far and I know where I want to go. I may be late to the game with learning how to healthily manage my emotions but, hey, better late than never right?
I hope this information can help give you some more insight on the different styles of attachment and maybe help you learn more about yourself! Learning about yourself can be an amazing journey full of ups and downs. I would encourage you to explore more about attachment styles and how they can help you connect with others. :)
If you would like to learn what your attachment style is take this Attachment Style Quiz.
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